My Journey

When I was diagnosed with stage four cancer last year I was riddled with anxiety and fear. I felt vulnerable with the uncertainty of the future and I was not prepared emotionally. My experience brought forth that I had very little spiritual connection and trust within myself, and had unresolved conflicts and regrets. If it was to be my time to go I wondered what I would be remembered for and who would remember me.

Had I truly touched my patients and made a significant difference in their lives?

Had I done the best to my ability to raise a kind, confident, intelligent teenager who develops the courage to be her own person?

Even though dying is a natural stage of the life journey I was not ready to embrace my end-of-life with grace, dignity and trust.

The above health crisis reminded me to put things in perspective, prioritise what is important to me and relish in the common, daily tasks. I have learned to replace fear and anxiety with curiosity and do things with intention and purpose. Despite hardships, I have the opportunity to recreate myself and write my happy ending. Through breathing and mindfulness, I am becoming more intuned to my thinking, feeling and reactions. I am learning to be and live in the moment with no particular goal or outcome.

I am working on developing an attitude of equanimity, to let go of reading things in a certain way. Everything is changing, everything is impermanent, and many important life outcomes are partially out of my control. Relinquishing control and trusting the process is very empowering and enlightening.